| Haha - Emo Bitch |
[Sunday
August 2nd, 2009 at 11:32am] |
"Thinking back, like always, about events gone and history written.
I laugh.
At how weak I was. At how stupid I was. At how crazy I was.
It wasn't worth it.
Ever.
To fight for that.
Letting go was the best move.
I'm free.
Free from the jokes."
I'm saving this. I guess at some point I wrote that but never posted. And it gets saved to that draft thing.
Haha.
I read like the first five entries in this journal. Haha - what an Emo Bitch.
Moo Cow was right, E-Frog!!! haha.
I'm out!
RiBBiT
|
|
| OMFG!!!! |
[Wednesday
April 15th, 2009 at 2:24am] |
When you're nap stretches much longer than you want and you find yourself up at 1:30AM don't EVER go here:
http://www.wowinsider.com
I admit, I've become a tad more obsessed than usual with the game (Achievement whoring) but after spending almost an hour reading about how to be a better hunter, by which just from what I've read seems I'm doing it wrong haha, I realized this is too much.
I just want to play for fun, not make it my fucking second job.
I'm off to respec, fuck this "be the best you can be" mentality and sticking to a specific build to be the best that you can be. I enjoy being my own person not a cut and paste avatar.
PE-ACE out bitches!!! Even if I don't push out 3k+ DPS, I'm happy :)
|
|
| Sleeping with the Stars... |
[Sunday
March 22nd, 2009 at 5:14am] |
I can't sleep. Probably all the caffeine. Oh well.
Tossing and turning my eyes slipped open. The room was completely dark and I was unaware of what day and time it was. Suddenly I felt like it was late Saturday night and I overslept during my usual mid-day nap. Then I thought it was early Monday morning and I was going to be late for work.
My stomach grumbled and I stumbled into the bathroom.
I looked over and saw her sleeping cozily in the blankets. Her eyes shut tight. Her mind drifting in dreams. I wonder what she is dreaming about. Me? The cats? The house?
I made way back to bed and laid next to her. Her stuffed frog was underneath the blanket so I pulled him out. She turned over and kissed me. She was probably still full asleep.
I tugged her arm and held her frog up. She instantly snatched him and cradled him in her arms.
Every frog deserves a Moo.
This frog is glad he found his.
|
|
| Saturday... |
[Saturday
January 31st, 2009 at 5:20pm] |
Sold on the promises of a better tomorrow I find myself here, writing, again.
About what? Nothing. Like always. But this need to write. I want to write. Not about me or my life. It is pleasant. A few faults from perfect. Plus, it doesn't matter anymore. I'm not cursing existence likes others.
I've been having countless dreams...of which I can't remember. Not vividly. Only flashes of color. And a few images.
Thinking about it leads me away from concentration. I drift away into slumber, but with my eyes wide open.
Trying to figure out what they mean. If they mean anything at all. But it doesn't stop there. I move towards an unfinished story.
"I awake to find no piece of mind...
I said how do you live...as a fugitive?
Down here where I can't see so clear.
I said 'what do I know?' show me the right way to go..."
It resonates in my head. With certain beats. Moving up and down with each tune.
Countless stories that merge into one. Countless lives that end with one consistent dying scene. In her arms. In his arms. A moment of peace before unforgettable sadness. I can feel my heart sink everytime. My eyes tear up. And I can hear the sobbing clearly. Sometimes I wonder if it's just in my head...or if it is real.
Feelings of solitude melting away. As each new path connects plains of words. With each heart that is merged, the sole survivor grows stronger, eating away at existence hoping to find a solution. A final conclusion to all the bitterness and emptiness.
Could God save us? From what we fear? Or is God the reason we fear? And require saving? To believe without doubt is ignorant. But to believe completely is divine. So where do you stand in your questions of faith? Are you devoted? Or will objects sway your vision and cause you to sin?
"Hair of gold and eyes like stormy seas
You say you love me, want to marry me
And as I’m looking for a wedding ring
You say I don’t have to spend anything"
She'll continue to call for him. Even in moments of blindness her eyes would search him out. As each day turns into years, a life will burn away searching, longing, urging to be whole - to reunite with its missing body.
From the clouds above on a gold thrown he'll watch. Anticipating her desires, and savoring her tears. Waiting for the moment where she can no longer bear the cold emptiness. At that moment he will swoop down to her and offer her forgiveness. One final chance to absolve herself of sin. And when she curses him out he'll be torn in half. Beloved, divine, ever loving spiritual God will cease to exist. Only vengeance and wrath will remain.
With all his might he will raise his hand in anger and strike her down. Her body frail from years of searching will fall to its knees. Crippled by the power of what she thought was a solution. As her eyes swell with the tears of the man she seeks her heart will give one last scream. But it won't be heard.
A place known as purgatory exists for those that deserve no punishment. There is no care for these individuals to the point of existence without contact is a solution. Here, you'll find me. Us. The lost body of the soul that longs to unite. Here you'll find us.
"Wake from your sleep
The drying of your tears
Today we escape, we escape"
Listening to each word, to each sound, to each thought he sleeps. Shackled to the darkness which is nothing. In a cell created by divinity to keep captured freedom of will. A mistake that will cost existence one of its strongest attributes - Time.
On the wings of Time he will escape. He will ascend the kingdom of God and overstep the prophecies of creation. He will rise above the flames of Hell and scour the fabrics of life in search for what was taken. What he believes to be his. What he knows he will find.
Just before everything goes black for her she sees him. Sees them. God and his fallen Angel. The Gaurdian bestowed the duty of protecting existence. But this time...his sword is drawn again the Holy Savior.
She reaches for him but always, Time is never on their side. Her eyes' close. He's too late. Again.
A thousand times he can recount the times she's slipped away. A thousand times he can explain the sadness in his heart. A thousand times he can slay God in anger. A thousand times...
But now. Yes, now. He has Time on this side. He's escaped the chamber. He's free. Absorbed by the fabrics of time. By the object that he was created to defend. He is life. He is death. He is God. One by one. They will fall. One by one until a thousand times can it be told.
"You can laugh a spineless laugh
We hope your rules and wisdom choke you
Now we are one in everlasting peace
We hope that you choke, that you choke
We hope that you choke, that you choke"
Nothing left. To fight for. To search for. To long for. Everything is gone. Everything is done. The scene shifts back to black. A sole survivor rests on the floor. Fists clench tight. Beads of sweat dripping from his brow. His body shaking with unending anger. One scream to acknowledge he still lives. One yell to remind you he still feels pain. He stands to his fight burning with white fire. His soul is breaking free. Completely. From the bind of existence. From the control of time. God outcasted him. God won't accept him. The Gates are closed to him. He lives in the empty darkness of purgatory. But not for long.
He slams his fist against the panes of darkness. His energy bursts engulfing the small cage in a white brilliance. One, two, three, four, five, his fist fly forward. One, two, three, four, five, one by one they start to crack the glass. His eyes now blinded by fear. By sadness. By hatred. This is it. This is his chance to end it all. His misery. His lonileness. His sadness. His life.
With the remainder of his energy he shouts. The flames from his body illuminate for the final explosion. His wings sprout out but are compressed by the confines of the small room. This time, the walls won't hold. The sound of cracking grass resonates in the room. Slowly beams of light fill the room. His wings now fully extend shattering outwards. His fist break through the glass. The flames from his body extended outwards incinerating the remaining shards of his cage. He's free.
"What if this storm ends?
And I don't see you
As you are now
Ever again
The perfect halo
Of gold hair and lightning
Sets you off against
The planet's last dance
Just for a minute
The silver forked sky
Lit you up like a star
That I will follow
Now it's found us
Like I have found you
I don't want to run
Just overwhelm me
What if this storm ends?
And leaves us nothing
Except a memory
A distant echo
I want pinned down
I want unsettled
Rattle cage after cage
Until my blood boils
I want to see you
As you are now
Every single day
That I am living
Painted in flames
All peeling thunder
Be the lightning in me
That strikes relentless"
He's free. He falls to his knees in a white room. His eyes focus on her. She stands in front of him. Real. He reaches for her. Her arms open and welcome him. As his head falls to her chest all the emotions erupt. His eyes swell with tears. The sound of his sobbing is deafening. He's found her. At long last he's with her.
He's free. No longer a prisoner of his memories. But with freedom comes the great price of existence. Is it worth it? One true moment of happiness in exchange for a thousand chances for happiness? He looks into her eyes. He smiles at her. He's free to be with her.
And then...
|
|
| Really... |
[Thursday
December 4th, 2008 at 7:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 worried |
] |
Things might end soon.
I hope not.
I'm enjoying this.
...
Time to swallow my pride.
Time to start growing up.
I hope.
...
We can get through this?
Right?
Please say yes.
-RiBBiT
|
|
| Sell me a Star... |
[Monday
November 24th, 2008 at 8:55am] |
How come I'm here again!? Oh well...
The new Killers CD is out...and...after two listens...I'm not sold. I fucking love, LIKE FUCKING LOVE, "Spaceman!" And I was hoping the rest of the CD would have this energy and sound, but it doesn't. There is another song that caught my ear "The World We Live In."
The whole CD screams 80's Rock, and that I love. But so far the songs haven't attached themselves to me. I'm sure after a few listens I'll enjoy it more, but right now I can't stop listening to "Spaceman" because that song just fucking rocks. I love that sound...reminds me of an era I didn't experience but due to years of watching TV has caused me to love all things from it.
It's too slow...that's my complaint. While "Spaceman" is that perfect pace of New Order-ish.
On another note about music, The Cure's newest CD is just amazing. It is like a collection of all the years of The Cure music. It is so much like this that I sometimes feel a bit of disgust towards the CD. Often I find myself thinking "this sounds just like..." or "man this is so-and-so with the beat changed a bit." But in the end the experience is collective and I end the CD with a feeling that I'd get from listening to my The Cure collection for hours.
The range of emotions covered are wide, wider than their last CD.
Anyways, I just noticed the time...I got stuff to do around this place. I'll leave you with this to ponder:
The Cure - Switch
Sometime it seems
I stop being myself
And without a word
Turned into somebody else
Full of wishes want dreams
And desires
For a life
Of conceit and deceit
And repeat and rewrite
Not sure who I was
Before this me and I changed
But I know this me now
Is not really the same...
Friends are as strangers
And strangers as friends
And I feel like I'm wired in a why
Yeah my friends are as strangers
And strangers as friends
And I feel like I'm lost in a lie
And every day my world gets slower
and colder and smaller
And older and lower
And every day
My treat gets closer to trick
Yeah every day my world gets slower
And colder and smaller
And older and lower
And I'm tired of being alone with myself
And I'm tired of being with anyone else
Yeah, I'm tired...
Like I'm sick
None of my favorite things
Are quite right
To the mirror man
Screaming at me
In the spite of another
False start
Dirty worn out and used
Up and down
To the ground
Disavowed
So confused
All made up in the belief
That me is the same
As the eyes in the glass
But I see my eyes change...
Friends are as strangers
And strangers as friends
And I feel like I'm wired in a why
Yeah my friends are as strangers
And strangers as friends
And I feel like I'm lost in a lie
And every night, my world gets quicker
And lighter and shorter
And tighter and slicker
And every night
My truth gets closer to dare
Yeah every night my world gets quicker
And lighter and shorter
And tighter and slicker
And I'm sick of being alone with myself
And I'm sick of being with anyone else
Yeah I'm sick of being alone with myself
And I'm sick of being with anyone else
Yeah, I'm sick
Like I'm tired?
Like I'm scared...
This guy is a fucking GENIUS!!! Call me Emo, or whatever, but I know for a fucking fact everyone in their lives at one point or another have felt such negativity in their existence.
While I don't feel as dark or worried about things as I use to, when I first heard this song, the sound, the mood, the way he sings it, the opening guitar solo, it is just fucking amazing.
And then I started to catch the meaning of the lyrics and suddenly I related, and this is why I love music...because of the emotions.
Just a great song from start to end.
PE-ACE OUT BITCHES!!!!
-RiBBiT
|
|
| Zero - my place holder... |
[Saturday
November 15th, 2008 at 7:03am] |
Be civil. I try. I listen to what she says and can't help but smile.
Why? I don't know. Payback? What comes around goes around? I'm bigger than this. At least, I try to think I am.
When everything feels right, I make it wrong. I turn it around. And I sit on it. Waiting for it to exhaust itself of happiness and return to zero - my place holder.
A vicious old habit. Lately, I don't have the time, or strength, to finish it. I get to around 2 or 3. haha.
Where am I? Ahead of you. Tripping, but still closer to the finish line. I think.
My mind is blank. The pages are dry of ink. Only two names echo in it. Names that I don't have enough to share with. Later, maybe.
This place is dead. A bitter reminder of where I came from. How I got here. But there is one flicker of hope. And if you scroll down on your second read - you'll see it.
Bah, like old I got nothing really important to say. I can update you on my life and how awesome I, and it, is. But that is boring.
Wrath of the Lich King is out. And every other day my server goes down. Aside that, my life is boring. Like my posts.
Haha.
~RiBBiT
|
|
| The Frog Prince... |
[Sunday
October 26th, 2008 at 7:44am] |
Separate, but tied together - by a string, or is it more than that?
How do you prepare yourself for the adventure ahead when you already know the ending? You can't change anything. All you can do is keep moving forward absorbing the story that was never told, until now.
The disdain you've felt for one character, all these years, is almost dissolved as those last seconds of film flicker into oblivion.
Sitting there, watching from above, his story was simple. He just wanted to be a hero. A person of good intentions in a world that was ruled by corruption.
How does that work out for you? Have you seen it yet? You should. It's sad.
"Live - for the both of us."
All the emotion stored into the written word. How it moves you. As you see the play act out, and the familiar scenery you remember where you are. And how those strings are all tied together. The memories of the forth coming chapters all pour out. It's been years but you still remember them.
Here he is, doing what he has to do to find acceptance. Because all he wanted were wings, like the man he held his faith for, hoping to some day make it all come true, and be a hero.
------My thoughts on Crisis Core: Final Fantasy 7
It's all changing. The story is slowly ending. There is nothing left to be read from these books. Maybe you can try. Perhaps we've missed a page or two. But I truly doubt it.
"The Last Known King" is dead. His servant killed him. It's in the books.
But what ever happened to that other guy? The one that I have a faint memory of, but no one seems to remember either. Did he ever exist? Was he ever real?
I'll read the books again, we must have missed something.
All that is left is darkness. A realm of emptiness in the middle of existence. There is nothing there that can be called life.
But here he is with: no voice to call out. No thoughts to hold true. No power to move.
Nothing but the darkness that fills the room.
He can't remember where it starts. He can't remember where it ends.
Floating in this abyss his mind starts to break. What he once called memories are now nightmares. He wants to reach for her, but he can't try.
How long has he been there? Is there even a measurement of time here?
Ah - TIME. That is the key!
Time is the savior here. Time will change all that ails him.
This is how it all begins. This is how it all ends. In darkness. In emptiness. In sadness. In anger. In nothing.
He'll master Time and here, where nothing but he exists, he'll bend it. He'll mend it to be his tool.
He can have it all again. He can be with her one more time. He can make it all better for himself. He can find happiness and hold it - forever.
As time wraps around him, becoming his limbs, his strength, his eyes finally open. How long has he held them shut - denying where he had found himself, we'll never know.
Now he can move, again, but not like he once did. Not like a man. He isn't really. He never was. He's just a shadow. A servant of Time as much as a Controller. His mind shattered long ago. Long before he ever realized where he was or what he had before him.
As the path draws out before him he sees what he calls nightmares. The dreams of millions of lives tied together by a fabric of existence that doesn't exist here. But, still, he sees it.
It's Time...now...to make this all happen. First...he must control Railven, and have him kill Mura. The first catalyst. The first event in this story. Where it all begins, here in this empty room where one man, or once a man, sits starring at the fabrics of existence. His existence. What was robbed from him by the object we call Time.
He'll be born again. As the story plays out, all the events will line up again. He'll make sure of that. Keeping all the characters in line. Making sure all the same events transcend until that coming age when he is born. He'll have his time again. He'll never let it go.
It's his Destiny. This time.
-------One day while scribbling on paper this dark revelation came about. I sort of finished my little "Destiny" story in my head. One day I will write it down. Maybe. Anyways, in these little thoughts and connections I realized even though I did end the series, I never explained what happened to Victor. Marquis is introduced as "re-incarnation" of Victor and Railven as "Neo-Victor" and I sort of explain their origins pretty good. But, never once in the last circle of story was Victor mentioned again, until the very end but it was only Victor in spirit.
With that sitting in the back of my head I started to think of the "Corridor" chapters between some of the major chapters. In the story Victor travels through time, but he doesn't control it. He's pulled in, and when traveling between times he visits a character in the Corridors but this character is never explained. He just tells Victor things Victor already knows. I sort of put this character there just as a re-telling, for the previous events. In the chapter I called "Closure" Victor finds himself traveling the Corridors of his existence, on Gaia, and he has to make sure he makes the right decisions or he won't exist (time paradoxes, I love that kind of stuff.)
And that is where I see Victor at the end of the last chapter. He's stuck in between existence. Where time doesn't flow. He just doesn't know it. What amounts to millions of years his remains there, until one day his mind breaks and he forgets everything. At this same time the character I wrote in the Corridor chapters comes to him. And teaches him how to bend time, but he can only follow his existence.
In these chapters Victor's existence outside of Gaia is followed closer. As the story is developing in my head, the whole theme of "Destiny" and "Time" is fucking awesome. Victor created all the events that started his life, and he manipulates them to keep them going hoping he can change the event that leads to his destruction. How many times has this cycle happened? How many Victor's exist? Which one is the real? Is there a real one?
haha...I don't know, yet. but am eager to find out.
Life continues to flow like any other day. I'm sitting on my thrown watching my subjects play. My queen to be by my side. Enjoying what life serves us every day.
Yeah, I'm The Frog Prince.
|
|
| 20 Minute Break... |
[Sunday
August 3rd, 2008 at 9:45am] |
[I day dreamed this one day when I worked a double. I never wrote it down, but the story stayed fresh in my mind. I sort of liked it. Figured I'd take the time to jot it down.]
20 Minute Break...
All we'd get is 15 minutes. 15 minutes while the cafeteria is open to get a lunch, well...dinner.
I remember the schedule. I never did like the schedule.
I twould take on average 5 to 7 minutes of your 15 minutes just to pick a lunch, pay for it, and leave the cafeteria.
I'd spend a good 5 minutes just starring at the lunches. They get it worse then us. These lunches are stale. They aren't fresh. At least not as fresh as when my shift gets them.
This feels routine. They say "it's like riding a bike, you never forget." I guess. Almost two years gone and I can assimilate my old routines at the drop of a hat. Here I am, in line, waiting, to give my money up, for a lunch that is sub par from what I've grown use to.
The sun is setting, the windows that stare out are dim. It's darker. Feels gloomier. The elderly come in for dinner. They get a senior discount. What I pay almost $6.50 for they pay $2.25. Is that fair? I shouldn't complain.
I find my old sit taken, not sure by who, but a bag is placed there. So I find another seat, what that faces my old seat. I'd love to see who took my spot, And while I eat I can shoot evil stares at them.
And here he comes. An old man. Wearing shorts. Wearing a nice button shirt. And carrying more bags. And that's when I notice who it is.
His thick white beard gives him away. His glasses are the same old gold thin rim with bi-focal lenses. It's 'Klaus.'
Well, rather the man I named Klaus. And now you want to know who Klaus is.
I remember, perfectly...like riding a bike, every day I'd come to this cafeteria at the same time, to get my shitty lunch...wait dinner, and wolf it down because I only had fifteen minutes. I'd sit in the back, a seat that faced the whole cafeteria minus one little corner. But at this time at night that side of the cafeteria was often always empty except for cafeteria workers taking their own lunch...or dinner.
It was there that I'd sit and watch them all come together and sit at the center of the third room, the one with the vending machines. They'd pull the tables together, gather some chairs, and then sit together to enjoy a delicious cheap meal.
There was four of them most often, and sometimes a fifth would join them. I gave them each names. In my crazy little head.
There was 'Geezer' whom looked the oldest, but I was never sure of any of their ages. The reason I named him Geezer was because of his stereotypical old person persona. He had a walker, and he wore clothes from a three or more generations ago. He always had a smile, and enjoyed talking to her. But he never seemed to fit in, at least I didn't think so. But I think he got some kind of Grandfather-ed treatment. Probably one of the original members of the old gang. There as a symbol for others to know who they were. To remember their legacy by.
Then there was 'Timed-Shrilee' whom looked younger than the others. She sometimes seemed absent mentally. Maybe she wasn't that much younger. She always wore a clock around her neck. And not just a regular clock, I'm talking about a Flava-Flav clock. I always wondered why she wore it, along with a reflector vest. Of course I'd never ask her. I'd sit in my corner hunched over my meal like a ravaged dog. One hand clenched in a fist with the other moving edible objects towards my mouth. I only had 15 minutes. But I over heard her tell her story once to that random fifth guy. She volunteered for the city as a crossing gaurd. Every day the kids would ask her what time it was so she took it upon herself to wear a giant clock. That explains the reflector vest and clock, but what about the empty eyes?
Then there was that random fifth guy who I named 'Jan' since he worked for the hospital and wore a Janitor outfit. He'd walk by the table and talk to Klaus and George. He didn't sit with them that often, but walked by enough for me to notice and give him a name. I never did trust the guy, and I don't know why.
Then there was 'George' my favorite of the bunch. He was thin, had long white hair usually in a pony tail, and would wear clothing from the late 70's early 80s. Flip flops, cargo pants, and tie die shirts. A skull cap, or a barette, or a beanie. I named him George because he looked sort of like George Carlin. He was always cool. Had a manner to him that always made me think "I wish I can be like that when I'm his age." They all knew him, respected him, and he them.
And Klaus, their leader. He'd always wear nice clothing, a suit, or a nice dress shirt with dress shoes. I He had white bright hair, and a fluffy beard...which is why I named him Klaus. He'd always come in with a newspaper, a briefcase or some bags, and would sit directly in front of George. I don't think I ever saw them sit next to each other or diagnol, always across. Klaus seemed successful, or maybe he just knew how to play things right.
Klaus and George would go at it. Arguing about everything. They'd talk about politics, health care, society, the cost of living, the war, and everything else one could find in the newspaper. But they always seemed content. While George never laughed, I could picture him smiling at Klaus would go into tangets of their conversations.
That's how I remembered them. It's been almost two years since I had this schedule. This routine. And as I sat in a different chair I saw Klaus sit down. He had his senior citizens meal. He sat by himself in the back with a look of sadness. He looked alone. He starred down at his food, like I use. He didn't look up.
I watched him sort the contents on his plate. He took half of the stuff off and put them aside. Then he reached into his bag. He pulled out some fresh lettuce. I could hear the snapping of the leaves as he shredded it to make a salad. Then he pulled out a fresh tomato. I could see him cutting slices for his salad.
As I watched him improve his meal I noticed the other older man sitting in the table on Klaus' right. He looked like a stereotypical old man. Wore brown, his hair was grey, he had a little shake to him, and he couldn't help but stare at Klaus the same way I did. He looked at me and we both made eye contact as if saying to each other without speaking "can you believe this guy."
I smiled, chuckled, and responded with a look that implied "he'll probably live longer then both of us." The older man smiled, cocked his head back as if he was about to laugh and then reached into his jacket pocket. Before I could even bite into my dried pizza I heard two bangs. I looked up and saw the old man standing over Klaus holding a gun. He fired one more time. Klaus was dead. He must have been.
As I sat there trying to figure out what was going on the older man walked towards me. As he walked by he whispered to me "not longer than me."
I looked up at Klaus and saw his lifeless body slumped over his fresh salad. He's dead.
They usually give me 15 minutes to take my lunch...I mean dinner. I was probably the only lab assistant on second shift that could finish his meal in those fifteen minutes. This time I couldn't. I had to sit and let it all sink in. How this could have happened and why it did.
I thought about it all. How Timed-Shirlee always sat next to Klaus until one day she started sitting next to George. I think I remember hearing about how one of the senior citizens that often ate at the hospital passed away a year after I left to first shift. I guess it could have been Geezer. I also noticed that Jan didn't work here anymore. George was too cool. He must have been the marksman, the hitman, and his lack of emotion made him perfect for it. Klaus probably ran the whole thing, which explained his appearance compared to his comrades. And Shirlee...maybe she was Klaus' girl. His dame. What could have happened. Maybe George did something. Or maybe Jan ratted them out. I didn't see George or Shirlee there today. Just Klaus. Maybe they skipped out, together, or Klaus learned of some back dealings through Jan and had them both taken care of.
I'll never know the whole story. But one thing I do know.
I took a 20 minute break.
|
|
| 3 More...maybe no more...or maybe...some more... |
[Sunday
August 3rd, 2008 at 8:12am] |
It's coming. My emo post. My "OMG God hates me, wah wah wah" post.
Yep. Like a house full of women, I'm always on schedule!
It's like the first time, I don't know you, you don't me, but some how we both know we'll hate this.
Remember those days at summer camp? When you got paired with that ugly girl/boy and the only thing you wanted to do was die? Well I'm that ugly girl/boy.
EMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Haha.
Computers are switched over to the new hardware. So far so good. A lot of road blocks but nothing we can't fix. Everything is still...working...day 2. Wish us luck.
So I woke up early, like always, and instead of hitting my forums I decided to clear out my D:Drive (Back up Drive.) Boy was it cluttered.
Sort my files, everything I could, and erased old software/drivers for programs/hardware I no longer use.
Then I got into the history. The stories. The images. The memories. Of where I've been and how I came here.
Pictures of old computers, old room layouts, old friends, and old events. Brought a smile to my face.
Of how simple things use to be. And I'm sure in 5 or more years I'll look back and think the same thing. Of how simple things use to be.
But that's okay. I'm growing. And for once I'm happy with it. Nothing makes me sad, or angry, or any of that. Just the trials of life. The every day shit we deal with from our jobs to our biils.
But not my memories. I don't miss the past. I don't miss the people I've met. The girls I've loved. Or the life I've lived.
So...I deleted a lot of that shit yo! Of course, why do I need it? Haha. Unless an ex is going to come a knocking saying "yo, wear beez mah pikshurez" they are nothing but wasted drive space.
And then there are all these images of us. These images all bring a smile to my face. Of places we've been too, people we've seen, things we've done, and more. And all I can think of is us. How I want us to be us a bit longer. So that in 5 or more years I look back and think of how simple things use to be, and you lean over and say to me how you remember it all.
So, 3 more, or maybe no more, or maybe, some more, which it will be I'm not sure yet.
We'll see.
|
|
| History +2 |
[Friday
May 16th, 2008 at 8:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 WooT |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Cure - The Only One |
] |
Words, I wish I could share them. Again. Like I use to. Atleast, how I felt I could.
The rain is falling. I beat it. Ha. Take that.
But the car is ready. Sitting there, soaking in the droplets, as the sound of music echoes in my head. Filling my tired body with energy. With the magic that makes everything feel right.
So, I've been gone, right, like always. But, that doesn't matter.
I might drop this. I've grown out of my old skin. I'll still be Railven. But, more of a Frog than a Marquis. If that makes sense. Look it up.
We went to see The Cure. OMG, they are fucking amazing! Robert Smith is incredible! Like Laura said jokingly to someone else "I didn't think they'd make it, being so old." Paraphrase.
Ahhhhh....the sound, it is lush, thick, I want it.
Their new single is out. I caught it on the radio. I wish I could find all the lyrics. Just bits and pieces.
Laura, Mint Car...well say hello to "The Only One."
I had to sell my soul, to one of the devils. It's okay, it was worth it. HAHAHA
So I finally made an iTunes account and I gave them $2.00 of my hard earn cash for the newest The Cure Singles "The Only One" and "NY Trip."
I CAN'T WAIT FOR THEIR NEW ALBUM!!! The Only One instantly makes me happy, and I think of my beautiful Moo. While NY Trip takes me down those dark roads in my head, that voice, that sound, it's perfect.
Anyways, back to updating.
We've bought the TV. A brand new 52" Sony Bravia XBR4 and so far I love it.
We just bought it on Tuesday, but I haven't had much time to enjoy it since I had to work a double on Wednesday and Thursday.
We set it up, got the surround sound booming, the living room is re-arranged, and we finished the night by watching Pan's Labrynth in 1080p HD Blu-Ray glory.
Sound - Amazing
Picture - Crystal Clear
Movie - A must see
Well, that's it for now. I'm going to go watch TV or play a game.
Hehe, love these two new singles.
-Victor
|
|
| Sigh... |
[Tuesday
May 13th, 2008 at 6:36am] |
Once an E-Frog, always an E-Frog.
And so I go and ruin another wise perfect day.
Yay me!
|
|
| [insert title here] |
[Sunday
April 27th, 2008 at 8:20am] |
hurr hurrrrr hurr hurr hurrrrr huuuurrrr hur hurr hurrrr hhhhuuuurrrrrr
Hur hurhurrrr hurr hrurr hurrrr hurrrrrrrr
Hur hurrr hurrrr hur hur hur hurhurhuhuhuhurrrrrrrr
hrurr hurururururur hur hurrrrrr hrur hrurhur hur hur hurrrrrrhrurhurhur
hur hur hurrrrrrr hurh ur hur hurr hur hurrhrurhrurhurhurrrr
hur hurrrrhurrhurhurr hurr
hur
hurhrurhur
hrurh
hurhrurhurhurhrurhurrrrrr
hurhurhurhurrr
hur
hurrrhurhurhur
hururururhurhurrrrrrrr
hurhurhuu
hurh hur hur hurrr hurrrurur hrurrurrr hur uhurrhurhurrr hur hurrrrr hur hurrrrrrhur hur hurrr hurrrrrurhrurhurhurhurhr hur hur hur hurrrrr hur
hurrr hur
hurhurh
hurhurhurrrrrrrrrr
-hurhru
|
|
| I Promise |
[Sunday
April 20th, 2008 at 6:14pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
I Promise - When in Rome |
] |
If you need a friend,
don't look to a stranger,
You know in the end,
I'll always be there.
And when you're in doubt,
and when you're in danger,
Take a look all around,
and I'll be there.
I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
But if you wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise, I promise you I will.
When your day is through,
and so is your temper,
You know what to do,
I'm gonna always be there.
Sometimes if I shout,
it's not what's intended.
These words just come out,
with no gripe to bear.
I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
But if you wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise, I promise you...
I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
And if I had to walk the world, that make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you I will.
I gotta tell ya, I need to tell ya, I gotta tell ya, I gotta tell yaaaa ...
I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
But if you wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you...
I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
And if I have to walk the world to make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you I will ...
I will...
I will...
I will...
|
|
| On a rope... |
[Tuesday
March 25th, 2008 at 11:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Vampire Weekend - M79 |
] |
Oh, string me together like you once did.
Make me feel like an angel. In the heavens soaring with God.
Remind me that things are beautiful. How the rain sounds when it hits the floor.
Hold my hand and lead me into your eyes, to that place inside where I find peace.
Do you think I still care? About all the bombs and planes that fall?
Would you wish that I just said I did, if it made you feel better about who I am?
These little bells that ring in my ears, they lure me into their spells.
And with a big smile I just laugh.
I laugh because it is the only thing that feels right. I know, and you know, she was right.
But could you prove her wrong?
My eyes are dry from starring. The reflection of my face is tired. But my eyes,
they are moist with the dew from the morning that sprung life into me,
everything is the same, but older, and colder, and bolder.
Take me on a ride again. Hold me above the clouds so that I could feel the sun.
Remind me what it feels to be young. Remind me what it feels like to be.
But don't forget me. I don't want to be left hanging here.
On a rope...
|
|
| Okay, why not... |
[Thursday
January 31st, 2008 at 11:57pm] |
Yeah, it is done. I shouldn't have finished that coffee off. I'm awake, so deal with it.
Sitting here with my headphones makes me think. It reminds me of when this was all I did for relaxation.
Yeah, I played games. But I also listened to music. Lots of it. I'd let my mind wonder. I'd dream. I'd feel alive. Voices humming in my ears. Their stories being told. And it didn't end when I was done. I'd listen to my tunes as I closed my eyes and let my mind drift away.
How simple those times were. Now I can't listen to my music when I want, how I want, and where I want. I'm restricted. Everywhere it seems.
Is that fine?
I guess so.
But this isn't about that. This is about having the beauty returned to me. It's mine, and none of you can have it.
Go listen to the new Louis XIV CD. The first song is really, really, interesting. I like it. It's crazy. I want this CD now. In fact, I think I'll buy it.
Dream on it.
.......
I'll tell you what it is, it's a noose. YOu know, you put your head through it and pretty much hang from it.
That's what it is. That's what I want. A nice noose, sturdy too, please.
......
Oh, my dreams, my thoughts, this negative energy. My lips are up, happy, with these nightmares. In my head again, they eat away at my sanity. I'm starting to slip. I like it. I fucking love it. I see everything how it use to be. I'm not even here half the time. So what? I enjoy it, it makes me happy, so fucking lost in Lala land. Why should I come back? These oppurtunities are gone.
......
Just take another step back. Wait, this isn't easy to explain. I wasn't really honest. I was just fucking with you. I never really cared. About all that other shit you've told me, and I made you think I listened. I didn't. I was humming in my head. Because I personally don't care. To me it's all the same. In or out, I don't care. Figure it out for yourself. I'm tired of explaining.
......
Oh baby play that trumpet for me. Play that trumpet loud for me. Oh baby don't let me fall asleep, please don't let me close my eyes. They'll find us if I do. They'll take us away. Oh baby you're all I have left, please don't walk away.
......
Holy shit stop, it's just a dream. It's just a fucking dream. Chill the fuck out.
......
If I was ever creative, I'd love to return to those days. I feel so censored, so empty, so...useless.
......
Bounce around like a ball in my thoughts. Think about it. About all of it.
......
This is where it all begins. This is where it all comes to an end. If I do one last thing, then I hope it is this and that I do it right.
,,,,,,,
"Just as you take my hand
Just as you write my number down
Just as the drinks arrive
Just as they play your favourite song
As your blather disappears
No longer wound up like a spring
Before you've had too much
Come back in focus again
The walls abandon shape
They've got a cheshire cat grin
All blurring into one
This place is on a mission
Before the night owl
Before the animal noises
Closed circuit cameras
Before you're comatose
Before you run away from me
Before you're lost between the notes
The beat goes round and round
The beat goes round and round
You never really got me there
I just pretended that I had
What's the point of instruments
Words are a sawed off shotgun
Come on and let it out
Come on and let it out
Come on and let it out
Come on and let it out
Before you run away from me
Before you're lost between the notes
Just as you take the mic
Just as you dance, dance, dance
Jigsaw falling into place
There is nothing to explain
You eye each other as you pass
She looks back, you look back
Not just once
Not just twice
Wish away the nightmare
Wish away the nightmare
You've got it on you can feel it on your back
It on you can feel it on your back
Jigsaw falling into place"
.......
Because he can never have her - it made him long for her even more. Her dark brown eyes looking back at him from the last photo he has of her. He dreams about her and what could have been. Of all the laughs they could have shared.
But because he wasn't sure of which path to take, and because he decided to sell his soul, he'll never have another chance.
It's all gone. All that he has left is a picture that is starting to fade. His memories are on the edge of his mind starring down the abyss of regret. Because he'll never forget and he'll always want to try again.
Say goodbye, and we'll leave it at that. His mind can't handle these dreams anymore. All they do is tease his sanity. Each drawn out thought is nothing but agony.
This is now routine, and each day that passes he hates his life even more. But nothing has even happened, and nothing will because he doesn't know how to act. Because he'll always wait for the last minute before ever trying.
And it is always too late.
.......
"How much of this is true?"
"What do you mean?"
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Then why did you write this?"
"It was just random thoughts."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, why?"
"I don't know."
"You worried about me?"
"No, I'm..."
"I'm fine."
"Sometimes I wonder."
"I know."
"Look at yourself, you're having a conversation with yourself again. When was the last time you did this?"
"On the car ride to pick up Laura."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"I wasn't there."
"You didn't have to be."
"You sure you're okay?"
"Yeah."
"What did you talk about?"
"The same old shit."
"Longing for a life you'll never have?"
"Haha, if I could write my own life I'd be fucking famous."
"Yeah, well you aren't."
"I know."
"And you'll never be, not that famous at least."
"You never know."
"I think I do."
"Haha, sure."
"How is she doing?"
"Which one?"
"The one that always causes you to do this to yourself?"
"She's fine, I guess."
"Is she back?"
"No, it's something else."
"What?"
"I don't know. Just old memories, old feelings, wishing I could go back to something that I miss."
"What?"
"Just being a kid. Not having to worry about all this adult shit."
"You have to grow up someday."
"Have I?"
"I'd like to think you have."
"I don't do anything right."
"That's what you think."
"Yeah, sure."
"You done?"
"I guess."
"Relax, you're thinking too much."
"Story of my life."
"Just enjoy the music."
"Don't I always?"
"I don't think so."
"I guess."
"Haha, one of these days you're going to lose it. And when you realize it you'll be kicking yourself for not holding it tight."
"You never know how much you appreciate something until it is gone."
"Well then, I hope you lose it soon."
"Okay."
"Maybe then you'll learn to appreciate it."
"Okay."
"Good night, Victor."
"Good night."
.........
How many stories are mine? How many are just garbage my collective conscious scrapes from the memories of watching too much TV?
How many of these stories make sense? How many times will I go through the same script?
Whatever.
.........
I'm tired.
|
|
| Holy Shit!!!! |
[Sunday
December 30th, 2007 at 7:47am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hyper |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Killers - Sawdust CD |
] |
Time is running out! I have to have this house completely clean before the family (including visitors from Mexico) drop in!
HOLY SHIT!!!
No worries, I can handle this! Easy! Four hours you say? Ha!
1.5hrs cleaning the office
.5hrs cleaning the rest of the upstairs
1.5hrs cleaning the rest of the downstarts
Total time! 3.5hrs! That gives me .5 hrs to get ready! Yeah I can do this...
Time to load up some music and start a cleaning!
I've been neglecting this journal - seems like when you're happy, you have shit to bitch about! Decemeber included Christmas (great gifts) plus my 3-Year Anniversary with my Moo! WOOOT WOOOOOOOOT!!!
Anyways, hopefully I'll have this place cleaned up...I still haven't posted any pictures of our little condo. Hmmm...
Damn Mario Galaxy, stole my thunder last night!
PE-ACE!!!!
|
|
| One and a Half... |
[Saturday
November 10th, 2007 at 11:51pm] |
A good Saturday night goes something like this...
Kiss and make up with the Moo after a stuborn fight the previous night.
Watch a nice movie at home while engaging in small chit-chat.
Make plans to go out for dinner.
A nice relaxing shower.
Dressing up in a nice pair of jeans, my nice sneakers, a nice black shirt, and finish it with my super uber cool Calvin Klein $300 dollar short cut trench coat.
The Moo sports a nice pair of jeans, with her new Lane Bryant (sp?) sweat-shirt, and her new clean white jacket.
Drive down to the Chili's in Methuen and take two shots each of Bacardi Limon in the car before entering.
Ordering a few drinks each getting prety intoxicated before the meal even arrives.
Some more chit chat with afew giigles.
Then finishing the night with a lovely split Cheese cake, yum!
On the drive home make sure not to get pulled over due to alcohol levels but enjoy a lovely karaoke to whatever is on the CD-Player.
After getting home, loading up Gutiar Heroes III for a few rounds of the newly downloaded Foo Fighters/Velvet Revolver game packs.
Whip the Moo due to my awesomeness!
And then go to bed, hopefully waking up on time for work tomorrow morning.
Ahhh, yes, a lovely Saturday indeed.
|
|
| Once isn't enough... |
[Saturday
October 27th, 2007 at 1:02am] |
Ahhh how it works. How my mind can go from living, loving, enjoying, and suddenly crashing on itself.
Yeah, fuck it I'm going to be honest. I'll try.
There is this girl I live with that I'm deeply in love with. When she smiles my eyes can't resist but staring. I love her voice in the morning. She cuddles into my arms and gives me a gentle kiss.
I love it.
But I'm scared of losing it.
Growing up, my family sort of didn't pay attention to me. I was strong, smart, and capable of living on my own. The years melted away and I became a young man. A man with a hole in his heart looking to people to help fill it.
I grew attached. To people, items, everything and anything. I'm very possesive. What is mine is mine, and only mine.
I'm selfish. I can admit it. And I'm negative. I don't look at the world the way I use to. I dwell on all the hardships of people, of the world, and etc.
But I keep walking my path. I keep trying to find peacew within.
Everything crashes against the walls so quickly. One moment I love her and rehearse a marriage in my head and the next I'm wondering if she is faithful or if our love is as strong as I think it is. I stop and look at things again.
Kinda fucked up.
Sleep...I haven't been sleeping much again. My mind is keeping me awake. I'm thirsting to reunite myself with something - something I can't find.
Story of my life.
But she makes me forget. When I crawl into the bed with my body so tired her arms wrap around me - and I forget. Everything.
There is only her, and I, and peace.
I want every moment to feel like that. I want to erase all the dark thoughts, all the worry, all the sorrow, and all that other shit I carry. I shouldn't care. I shouldn't be fighting with myself to find a valid point for my existance.
I'm fucked up. But at least I'm still functional. How many people are at my point? How many people can handle what I'm handling? Not many. Not this young. Not this unprepared, haha.
"Everything is magic."
Something like that.
Time for sleep.
|
|
| I have a thousand excuses... |
[Saturday
September 22nd, 2007 at 9:03am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Top 300 Songs of the 80's Playlist |
] |
I do.
Wow. Almost a year! Almost a year here in Dracut.
We took a drive through Chelsea yesterday. Oh, how it has changed. My memories are just pictures lingering in my head. No one understands. Barely. Haha.
So a whole year of paying the mortgage. I did the math the other day:
$1,320 (monthly) x 12 (a year) == $15,840
When did I get all that money? Laura has been paying the utilities.
$220 (monthly condo fee) + $110 (Cable/Internet/Phone bill) + $200 (Random Electricity Bill average) + $120 (cell phone bill) == $650 (monthly utilities) x 12 (a year) == $7,800
So together in the last fucking year we've spent just in living here: $23,640
OMFG!!!!! This doesn't even include our living expenses.
Jesus, our neighbors must think we are rich or some shit!
Laura loves buying stuff from Bed, Bath, and Beyond or Linens and Things. I'm always buying stuff from Best Buy. For a week straight we were recieving packages from various locations. Hell last Christmas we got tons of boxes delivered.
I'm sure they spied me walking in with the PS3, the 360, and hiding the Wii in my car.
Well things are changing this year. Christmas will be called "Moo and Frog" celebrations! I've set a $50 gift limit for family members. Or something like that. We'll see how we can stretch it haha. I really want us to get new computers. I did a simple calculation but so far...I don't know if we'll be able to keep up with it.
I got another Frog Plan brewing! It will require a lot of self control (AHAHAHHHAHA) but I think I can manage it! (HAHAHAHAHhhhHAHAH) We'll see.
Hmmm...
WHY ISN'T SONY WINNING THIS FUCKING CONSOLE WAR! NINTENDO RELEASE FUCKING MARIO GALAXY!!!! AND MICROSOFT STOP FOCUSING ON THE FUCKING X-BOX AND FIX WINDOWS VISA!!!
Haha.
Aight time to go give my Moo a hug and a kiss then pluck down for some WoW. Maybe I'll get my solo hunter to 67 this weekend (maybe!).
I'm out!
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
railven_marquis's journal
